Dear team, please cut the drama

In partnership with

Here’s the funniest text from an exec leader I’ve received in a long while:

The slap-fight GIF is hilarious, but the exhaustion behind it is real.

[Quick note: Unlike the text I received, this issue is lengthy. If you’re pressed for time, bookmark it for later—it’s worth the read!]

If you’re the go-to fixer, the “emotionally safe” leader, the one everyone trusts to smooth things over, there’s likely not enough coffee to navigate workplace drama. You know… venting sessions disguised as “quick chats,” the I-said-they-said conflicts, and emotional fires that somehow always land on your desk to extinguish.

You spend an outrageous amount of time and effort playing referee between brilliant, well-educated adults who apparently forgot (or never learned?) how to have difficult conversations. Meanwhile, that strategic planning session you've been trying to schedule for weeks is still sitting in your drafts folder.

I’ve been on both sides: the exhausted confidant as well as the chronic complainer exhausting the confidant’s patience. I know firsthand how draining it is, and how quickly it can stall a company’s momentum.

When “You’re So Easy to Talk To!” Backfires

You (likely) didn’t get here by being cold or unapproachable. You’re warm, competent, and people trust you. But somewhere along the way, your emotional intelligence became a magnet for everyone else’s unresolved issues.

Suddenly, you’re the default mediator. Your direct reports bring you peer conflicts. Your fellow execs go to you to vent about each other. Even your board members drop their frustrations in your lap.

In a fast-growing company, this is more than a personal problem; it impacts the bottom line:

• The collective cost of incivility to U.S. organizations is more than $2 billion daily (SHRM)

• The average employee burns 4+ hours weekly on workplace conflict (Myers-Briggs)

• 80% of people lose work time simply worrying about workplace tensions (HBR)

Chances are, your to-do list tells the story even better than these studies. Because, while you’re busy absorbing everyone’s emotional baggage, your actual job—the strategic work only you can do—sits untouched.

“But Jess! If I Don’t Help, Won’t They Think I Don’t Care?”

When you’ve built a career and reputation of being the fixer, “Just let them handle their own mess” sounds good in theory, but putting it into practice feels like an ill-fitting suit:

“I care. I want them to know I care. If I don’t step in, won’t they think I’m abandoning them? What if the team falls apart because I didn’t help smooth things over?”

What's really happening is you've stepped into what psychologists call the Karpman Drama Triangle. In this dynamic, you're cast as the Rescuer, while others play the Victim ("poor me, I can't handle this") or the Persecutor ("it's all their fault").

The more you rescue, the more you reinforce the pattern. The Victim learns they don't need to solve their own problems. The Persecutor learns their behavior has no consequences. And you? You become indispensable in all the wrong ways, trapped in an endless cycle of other people's drama.

To escape the recurring drama, you have to flip the triangle on its head. Most critically, instead of rescuing, you coach.

The Rescuer Hangover

As you work to extricate yourself from the drama triangle, you might discover that some of your sense of value and identity is tied up in being the person everyone comes to for help. There's something deeply satisfying about being needed, about being the one who can make everything better.

But that satisfaction comes at a cost, not just to your time and energy, but also to the growth and development of the people around you. When you're always the solution, you rob others of the opportunity to develop their own problem-solving muscles.

The most generous thing you can do for your colleagues is to believe in their capacity to solve problems themselves, and to coach them through the discomfort of learning how.

When your team learns to handle interpersonal challenges directly, they get stronger. They develop the emotional resilience and communication skills that allow them to thrive in the high-pressure, rapidly changing environment of a growing company.

And you? You get your bandwidth back. You get to focus on the strategic work that only you can do. You get to be a leader instead of an emotional dumping ground.

How to Respond to Their Intense Emotion

Raise your hand if your instinctive response to someone else’s anger is something like: “OMG Totally! That person IS being unreasonable!”

It feels supportive, like you’re being empathetic and making the other person feel heard. And there's truth to that. Validation does serve an important bonding function. But when you’re a leader, immediately jumping to agreement can escalate the situation.

Being a good friend or kind leader doesn’t require you to amplify the drama. Instead, you can channel the emotion in a more productive direction.

Step 1: Acknowledge (Without Agreeing)

Resist that urge to jump into affirmation mode. Instead, start by acknowledging their experience without taking sides.

Try phrases like:

• "That sounds really frustrating for you."

• "I can see why that would be difficult."

• "It sounds like this situation is weighing on you."

You're not saying they're right or wrong—you're recognizing they're having a human experience. You’re validating their experience without amplifying, approving, not denying their interpretation of it. This creates psychological safety without feeding the fire.

Step 2: Empower the Situation

This is where most well-meaning leaders get stuck. After acknowledging their feelings, the natural next step feels like offering solutions. But that's exactly what keeps you trapped in the rescuer role.

Instead, ask questions that help them empower them to reclaim a sense of agency:

• "What's the biggest challenge for you in this situation?"

• "How can I help you work through this?"

• "What have you tried so far?"

These questions shift the conversation from "fix this for me" to "help me think through this."

Step 3: Open the Door to Action

Once you've acknowledged their feelings and helped them identify the real challenge, you can guide them toward their own solutions. Ask for permission to move into coaching mode:

• "Are you open to brainstorming some options for how to handle this?"

If they say yes, this is where you can use the GROW framework to help them think it through. If they just needed to vent, that's valuable information too—you can acknowledge that need without becoming their permanent emotional dumping ground.

The GROW Model: Your Coaching Cheat Sheet

When someone brings you a problem, resist the urge to solve it. Instead, reflect back their own answers to them (“So, what I’m hearing you say is…” and then guide them to their own solution using this framework.

G - GOAL This step transforms venting into direction. Help them get crystal clear on the desired outcome. Ask:

• "What outcome do you want to see?"

• "What are you trying to change?"

R - REALITY In this step, establish the current situation without judgment. Ask:

• “How do you imagine your interpretation of this situation compares to the story the other person is telling themselves?

• “What are you trying to optimize for right now? What about the other person?”

• “What do you need to do that you are not currently doing?”

• “Do you have the (skills, resources, support, etc) necessary to achieve this goal?”

O - OPTIONS Help them brainstorm possibilities. This is where most leaders get stuck; fight the urge to jump in with your solution. Ask:

• "What are 3-5 ways you could approach this?"

• "What else is an option?"

• “What are the advantages and disadvantages of each option?”

• “What’s your recommendation and why?”

The “R” and the “O” are key to extricating yourself from the drama. You need your people to understand how to think critically (and realistically) about a situation, and be able to develop productive solutions to resolve it. By getting curious about their approach, you can steer them towards how you might ideally resolve a situation, and eventually trust them to do it solo.

W - WILL Here, you help them commit to specific action steps. Ask:

• "What will you do? By when?"

• "How will you know if it's working?"

• "What support do you need from me?"

• "What might get in your way, and how will you handle that?"

When the Drama Llamas Keep Coming Back

You've tried the three-step approach. You've coached them through GROW. But some people keep showing up at your door with more drama and complaints, week after week. What then?

The reality is, some people believe that problems are more interesting than solutions, that being the person who "tells it like it is" feels like a form of value-add. They've made complaining their brand.

Here are a few ways to handle the serial complainer:

1. Call out the pattern (gently): “Your frustrations are valid, and seem to be building on top of each other. I wonder if we can take a moment to pause and step back. What can you do to create a shift in perspective?”

2. Set expectations for solutions: “I’m here to support you and your growth, so I'd like to try something different. Going forward, when you bring me a concern, could you also bring 1-2 potential solutions or next steps you're considering? It'll help us have more productive conversations.”

3. Maybe time for a reality check: 

   1. "Help me understand, are these problems you want to help solve, or unsolvable problems you need help letting go of?”

   2. “It seems like this is at an impasse with no potential change in sight: are you able to let this go, or are you stuck? Are you fundamentally unhappy here?" From there, you can discuss what the right path for them looks like.

A team member who sees dysfunction everywhere is either identifying real systemic issues (in which case, you should listen) or they're the dysfunction. Part of your job is to figure out which one it is, then act accordingly.

At the end of the day, look, I get it: coaching through drama is often more draining than solving it. Your instinct to help isn't wrong. But the way you help determines whether you build a team that can handle anything, or a team that can't handle anything without you.

That’s the prize. You got this! 💪

Keep reading, keep leading,

Jess.

P.S. If The Left-Hand Column has resonated with you, consider supporting my work by clicking on one of the ads below. It's a small action that has a big impact!

Thank you for subscribing!

For more, follow me on LinkedIn 

jessyuen.com

From AI Creation to Cognitive Amplification

AI made everyone sound the same. Pressmaster.ai changes that.

Our Cognitive Amplification Platform learns your frameworks, vocabulary, and perspective then turns them into authentic and high performing communication.

Join us for The Worlds First AI Built for Cognitive Amplification on October 15.

Watch as personalized AI is built and deployed in real time and experience how amplified thinking transforms the way you communicate.

This is the next step beyond creation. It is the beginning of cognitive amplification.

Save Your Free Spot

Don’t get SaaD. Get Rippling.

Software sprawl is draining your team’s time, money, and sanity. Our State of Software Sprawl report exposes the true cost of “Software as a Disservice” and why unified systems are the future.

Stop SaaD in its tracks