Help! Giving feedback makes me break out in hives...

I've noticed that the leaders who struggle most with giving feedback aren't those who lack emotional intelligence or communication skills. They're often the most thoughtful, empathetic people in the room—and frequently, they're also perfectionists and high achievers.

The problem? We're carrying invisible wounds from past experiences of harsh criticism or judgment.

After all, most of us who end up in leadership roles got there because we were driven to excel. We were the kids who brought home straight A's, the employees who stayed late to perfect every deliverable, the ones who couldn't stand the thought of disappointing anyone. And often, that drive was fueled by environments where anything less than perfect felt dangerous.

For many high achievers, feedback immediately triggers deep insecurities. This hypersensitivity to criticism makes giving and receiving even helpful feedback feel dangerous. We judge ourselves before anyone else can, replaying negative feedback internally and amplifying its impact.

This explains why we might be able to negotiate multimillion dollar deals, but then we freeze up at the thought of a 2-minute feedback conversation.

Our nervous systems remember every time feedback felt like an attack on our worth as a person. So when it's time to give feedback, our brains whisper: "What if I make them feel the way I felt? What if they react the way I would react?"

Reframe: Overcoming Feedback Avoidance

While you're protecting yourself (and them) from an uncomfortable conversation, something else is happening. 

Your team is watching. 

They see the behavior you're not addressing. They're forming opinions about your leadership, not based on your strategic brilliance or ability to hit quarterly targets, but on whether you'll step up when it matters.

Every day you delay that conversation, you're teaching your team that standards are optional and accountability is negotiable.

Here's a mindset shift that changed everything for me: Feedback isn't about confrontation—it's about clarification.

You're not attacking someone's character. You're not declaring war. You're simply sharing data.

Think about it this way: If you had a glaring typo on the opening slide of your presentation, would you want a colleague to tell you or let you present at the all-company meeting because they were worried about how you’d react to your editing feedback? 

Most people want feedback, even when their initial reaction suggests otherwise.

When someone interrupts you in a meeting, dismisses your ideas, or misses important deadlines, they may not realize the impact of their behavior. Your job as a leader is to close that gap between intention and impact.

Before You Give Feedback: The Intention Check

But here's where we need to pause. Not every feedback conversation is worth having. Sometimes what feels like "necessary feedback" is our need to vent or give someone the dressing down we think they deserve.

Ask yourself these questions, and if the answers point to venting rather than helping, take a walk instead of scheduling that conversation:

1. What's my real intention here?

• Am I trying to help them be more effective? ✅

• Am I trying to make myself feel better? ⛔️

• Am I trying to "teach them a lesson"? ⛔️

2. What's the business impact?

• Does this behavior affect team effectiveness? ✅

• Does this behavior undermine our goals? ⛔️

• Am I just annoyed by their style? ⛔️

3. Can they actually do something about this?

• Is this about changeable behavior? ✅

• Is this about something that already happened and can't be fixed? ⛔️

• Am I asking them to change their personality? ⛔️

I first learned about that last question by being on the receiving end of unhelpful feedback. A colleague shared an opinion about how I should have positioned myself in a meeting that had already happened. He was right, but all his feedback accomplished was to make me feel bad about something I had no control over. I couldn't go back and change what I'd done, and there were no future opportunities to act differently.

The best feedback conversations spend 20% of the time acknowledging what happened and 80% of the time planning for what's next. This transforms the conversation from "here's what you did wrong" to "here's how we can work better together, or how you can be more impactful."

How to Actually Give Feedback (Without Breaking Out in Hives)

Alright, you've done the intention check and determined this conversation is genuinely necessary. Now what? Here's the truth: Your job is to be clear and kind, then let go of how they react. That's on them, not on you.

I know that feels scary, especially if you're a recovering people pleaser like me. But trying to control someone else's emotional response is exhausting and impossible. Focus on what you can control: delivering your message with clarity and compassion.

1. Start with Permission and Context

Before you dive into the feedback itself, you need two things: permission and context. Ask if they're open to feedback, then immediately clarify how serious this is. As I always tell my clients, an extra sentence of context makes a world of difference.

Think about it: You could deliver the exact same feedback with two different opening lines, and it'd have two completely different meanings:

• "If you do this one thing, it'll take you from good to great."

• "If you don't fix this in the next month, we'll be having a conversation about whether this job is the right fit."

Same feedback. Totally different stakes. Don't make people guess your context.

2. Focus Your Message

Once you've set the context, keep the actual feedback simple and specific. One of the most common pitfalls of giving feedback is rambling or delivering an overwhelming laundry list of improvements.

Instead, narrow your focus. 

If you're working on someone's presentation skills, don't give feedback on their slide design, their speaking pace, AND their body language all at once. Pick one element—say, confidence—and focus there. What specific behaviors made them seem confident? What undermined that confidence? 

This targeted approach is especially important for ongoing development conversations or performance reviews. Your feedback should build on that foundation rather than constantly ambushing them with new issues.

The classic SBI framework is very effective in helping you stay focused. When you stick to when and where the event in question happened (Situation), what you specifically observed (Behavior), and how it affected the work or team (Impact), you're giving someone concrete information they can act on.

Putting it all together, your feedback might sound something like this: 

"In yesterday's team meeting [situation], when you interrupted Sarah 3x while she was presenting the user research [behavior], it cut the time short and the team wasn’t able to hear her full findings [impact]. I believe you were trying to clarify technical constraints [acknowledge intent], and [not "but"], in the future, it’d be more helpful to hold your questions until she finishes her sections [forward focus]."

3. Check Understanding

This is where most people stop, but the conversation isn't over. You need to:

1. Check what they heard: "What's the main message you heard in I just shared?" Sometimes people hear something completely different than what you said.

2. Get their perspective: "What's your view on this?" They might have context you're missing.

3. Agree on next steps: "I'm hearing you agree that, going forward, saving technical questions for the Q&A portion makes sense. Is that correct?"

4. Set a follow-up if needed: "Let's check in next week to see how this works for you."

When It Gets Messy…

Let's be honest—sometimes people react poorly to feedback, even when you deliver it perfectly. Here's how to handle common reactions:

If they get defensive: "I can see this is hitting you hard. That wasn't my intention. Can you help me understand your perspective?"

If they shut down: "I notice you've gotten quiet. Would it help to take a break and come back to this tomorrow?"

If they push back: "I hear that you see it differently. Help me understand your view, and then let's talk about how we move forward."

If they get emotional: "I can see this is bringing up some feelings. That's okay. Should we pause for a moment?"

Remember: Their reaction doesn't determine whether you gave good feedback. Your job is to be clear and kind. Their job is to process and respond. Don't take responsibility for both sides of the conversation.

Keep reading, keep leading,
Jess.

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