Do You Know How to Really Listen? (No, Waiting For Your Turn to Talk Doesn’t Count!) | Issue 2

Can I share a secret? I’ve always felt lousy at listening. I’d hear another person and then try to connect by reciprocating—sharing my own story or making my own point—before realizing they weren’t being acknowledged, heard, or understood. It wasn’t until I was a new mom that I realized I needed to make a change. To be a better parent, I needed to be a better listener. Although it may seem kind of backwards, I became a coach to help me hone this skill.

As an executive coach, listening is at the crux of my work. And while I've been stepping up my capabilities, I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one who struggles to truly listen. 

It’s such a critical skill that is lacking throughout many well-intentioned companies, relationships, and daily interactions.

As a result, workplaces suffer. Employees are shouting into a void. They feel ignored when speaking up. They don’t think anyone pays attention to their ideas for improving the business. 

Of course, if you ask leaders, they’ll tell you: We are listening! We've tried so many ways to meet and appease, and, still, it's not enough! 

For many, however, listening is misunderstood. Many mistakenly believe, as I did for years, that listening is sitting silently and waiting for one's turn to talk. “Active” listening? Isn't that when you listen and tack on a few knowing head nods?

Meaningful listening is about so much more than that. It’s about connection, acknowledgement, and empathy. 

How can you train yourself (or your team) to be a better listener? Follow these three key steps:

1. Play it Back 

After hearing someone speak, start your response with, “What I hear you saying is …” or “Can I share back what I just heard?” Then repeat back what you think was said, and follow it up with, “Is that accurate?” or “Did I capture that correctly?”

The person will either confirm or correct, which will give you a better understanding of the issue.

This step sometimes sounds silly: They just said it! Why should I repeat it back? For two very important reasons: First, it makes the other person feel heard, like you really want to know what they are trying to say, and, second, it makes you as the listener check that you did really understand them accurately. 

2. Reflect the Feelings

It’s also important to mirror, or identify, the underlying emotion the person seems to be expressing. You might say, “I’m sensing that you are frustrated” or, "Wow, I'm hearing so much excitement in your voice."

Again, they can either agree or clarify that, for instance, it’s more disappointment than frustration.

(A little side note on feelings: Feelings are data. I work with many technical founders, and some don't yet appreciate the importance of feelings when we first start our work together. To them I ask, would you respond differently to someone who is angry with you versus someone who is happy with you? If so, feelings matter. And in that case, it's very useful to figure out which feeling the other party is feeling when communicating.) 

3. Take Action

Next, decide what you’ll do with the information you just heard. 

You may shift into coaching mode (“Based on what you shared, let’s brainstorm some options”), or try to provide forward motion (“Based on what you shared, I will think about xyz and come back to you with a decision by Friday”).

But, the action may be as simple as validating the conversation, by saying, “Yes, that is such a tricky situation” or, "That must have been hard to share, and thank you for sharing it with me." Often enough, listening is about the person feeling heard.

🧐 Fun fact: Did you know that listen and silent are anagrams?

If the steps I outlined sound familiar, it is inspired by the Imago Dialogue, an approach developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix that’s been used in relationship therapy. Consider taking this practice into all aspects of your life, not just the workplace!

Want to learn more about active listening? Check out:

• You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy

• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (it’s a parenting book but surprisingly useful for non-parents, too!) 

• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb

Keep reading, keep leading,
Jess

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