Feedback is a gift, you say? What's the return policy?

Last month, we talked about the anxiety-inducing challenge of giving feedback. But honestly? We have bigger fish to fry—receiving feedback.

We spend countless hours in leadership training learning frameworks for delivering feedback effectively. We agonize over the perfect words as we hope to express the exact sentiment and observation that will land best.

But zoom out for a moment: all that effort is wasted if the person receiving your feedback can't handle it, no matter how it's packaged.

This overemphasis on the giving end of feedback is how we end up with leaders who are incredibly thoughtful about giving feedback—they're clear, kind, and constructive. But the moment someone tries to give them feedback? They get defensive, make excuses, or shut down entirely. 

It’s scary enough to give an executive feedback. With evidence that it’s not safe to speak up, people stop trying—even if you insist you want the feedback and can handle it.

And that's the insidious illness that breaks down organizations.

You develop a culture of careful politeness, walking on eggshells, and left-hand columns brimming with silenced thoughts and quietly simmering frustrations. 

Meanwhile, what we actually want is the high-performance culture that comes from a genuine growth mindset. We want to be more like that one colleague who is amazing to work with because you can throw any insight or idea at them, and they consistently translate it into next-level improvement.

They become the leaders everyone wants to work for because helping them succeed feels rewarding, not risky.

“Constructive” Criticism Or Destructive Attack?

If you’ve ended up in a leadership position, chances are you’re your own harshest critic. Many of us came of age believing that anything less than perfect is dangerous. We preemptively judge ourselves, making sure our presence, contributions, and overall worth are unimpeachable. 

So when someone points out a gap between how we intend to present ourselves and how others perceive us, our nervous system sounds the red alert. Our inner critic exclaims, “SEE?! This confirms what I’ve been afraid of all along!”

In this mindset, it’s understandable why the predominant “keep calm and be grateful” advice about receiving feedback falls flat. 

Here's what we have to remember: that part of ourselves that sees a feedback conversation as a battlefield—where we're on the receiving end of criticism arrows with nothing but the wobbly shield of a polite smile for protection—that part of us makes complete sense.

To that part, we say: We hear you. We understand.

We also assure you that we are not in danger. In fact, we are exactly where we want to be; in a position where people care enough about our success to risk an uncomfortable conversation.

Think Again: Step Out Of The Courtroom And Into The Lab

In writing about this topic, the ghost of feedback past visited me and showed me a memory that still makes me cringe. 

Many years ago, I was leading a team through a hypergrowth period. I applied my trademark diligence and Herculean effort to our annual strategy planning session. I developed a comprehensive document. I knocked it out of the park. 

Or so I thought.

Later, in a one-on-one, a senior member of my team gave me feedback about the strategy session. The doc wasn’t sent soon enough to review in advance. It would have been helpful to voice-over the slides rather than assuming the team had context. And on and on. 

Instead of getting curious about her perspective, I shut her down: "The session is done. The strategy is locked. Why are you bringing this up with me? Unless there's a specific ask here, why are we still talking about it?"

Silence.  

She looked taken aback and somewhat hurt. I felt terrible immediately, but the damage was done.

To this day, it’s shutdown moments like these I wish I could replace with appreciative, curious ones. “Thanks for bringing this up with me. I can see how it made it tougher to participate, and I very much wanted your input. Next time I’ll incorporate your suggestions. Now that you’ve had more time with the doc, what input do you have?” 

Looking back, I can see exactly what happened. I had slipped into what Wharton professor Adam Grant calls "Prosecutor mode"—one of four approaches to thinking he outlines in his book “Think Again”:

In that moment, I was 100% Prosecutor. I was so focused on the rightness of my performance in the strategy session that all I could hear was her inability to share my perspective.

If I had approached that conversation as a Scientist instead, I might have asked: "How might we have better used the session time?”

Grant argues (and I agree) that the Scientist mode is the most powerful approach, especially when receiving feedback. When you think like a scientist, you're not trying to defend your existing beliefs—you're genuinely curious about what you might discover.

Because Scientists Know How To Take a Punch

Typically, when we're on the receiving end of feedback, we tend to ask: "Do I agree with what they're saying?" 

That's a one-way ticket to the preacher or prosecutor mindsets. If you're conflict-averse or a people pleaser, you might play the politician as best you can, though that can also look like stonewalling or avoidance (if you can't win their approval, at least you won't gain their ire).

Instead, ask: "Why do they have this perception?"

This shift in questioning helps us stay in scientist mode, approaching the situation with curiosity rather than defensiveness. For many of us, this takes a lot of practice because, as Valerie Kaur reminds us, "Deep listening is an act of surrender. We risk being changed by what we hear." 

When we can embrace this risk of transformation and surrender our need to be right in favor of being curious, we unlock the real power of feedback. 

Hilary Gridley, Head of Core Product at Whoop, takes this a step further on Lenny's podcast.

She encourages her team to identify what they are afraid of: what is the negative perception implied by the feedback? Presuming the negative perception is inaccurate, she advises "counter programming the narrative". Focus on what actionable step you can take next to shift their perception through your behavior.

What is one thing I can do that demonstrates the opposite of what I'm afraid this person thinks of me?

The curiosity behind scientist mode isn’t blindly affirming the feedback in question. We’re not becoming a doormat or accepting every piece of input as gospel truth. Instead, we’re building some distance between our sense of self and the message we’re receiving. This distance allows us to recognize that feedback often mixes truth with perception, and our job isn't to argue about what happened—it's to see what’s in that mix, and what we’d have to do to change it. 

In other words, when someone gives you feedback, they're offering you data about the gap between your intentions and your impact. That gap is the opportunity for your growth.

The Executive’s Playbook For Receiving Feedback

So we have our lab coat on; our mindset is primed to receive feedback graciously and transmute it into growth. How do we go about it? 

CEO coach Matt Mochary’s framework, the 5 A's of receiving feedback, is what I recommend most frequently: 

1. Ask for it. Don't wait for feedback to come to you. Create regular opportunities to gather input. One leader ends every meeting with 5-10 minutes dedicated to feedback. Another uses simple frameworks like "What should I start/stop/continue?"

2. Acknowledge it. Make sure you actually heard what was said: "What I'm hearing you say is..." This sharpens your listening skills and also buys you time to process while showing the other person you're taking them seriously. If they say "not quite," ask them to clarify until you can summarize it correctly.

3. Appreciate it. Yep, avocado boy had the right of it. Simply say "Thank you." No "But" or “However..." Just "Thank you." 

4.  Accept it (or not). You don't have to act on every piece of feedback you receive. You just need to be clear about whether you're accepting it or not, and why. If you're not accepting it, explain your reasoning respectfully. If you are accepting it, move to step 5.

5. Act on it. Create a specific action plan with a timeline. Then (and this is crucial) follow up with the person who gave you the feedback to let them know what you did. This closes the feedback loop and builds trust that you want to improve.

Building Feedback Flow Into Your Culture

To transform your organization's relationship with feedback, start by examining your own approach. When you model excellent feedback reception, your entire team also gets better at it.

Here's how to create that ripple effect:

• Share your own feedback journey. Be transparent about feedback you've received and how you're working on it. This gives others permission to give feedback and be vulnerable about their own growth areas.

• Make it routine, not special. Structure feedback into your regular rhythms—make space for feedback in team meetings, one-on-ones, project retrospectives. The more normal it becomes, the less threatening it feels. You can also experiment with less triggering names for feedback: observations, insights, opportunities. 

• Celebrate feedback courage. When someone takes the risk to give difficult feedback, acknowledge it. And, when possible, do it publicly in a broader forum. This reinforces that feedback is valued, not just tolerated.

• Embed it into your organizational DNA. Once you've mastered feedback reception as a leader, weave feedback skills into the key systems that teach and reinforce culture:

  • Onboarding: Train new hires on both giving and receiving feedback using frameworks like the 5 A's.

  • Performance management: Make feedback reception a core competency in job descriptions and reviews.

  • Recognition programs: Celebrate not just great work, but great feedback exchanges.

  • Leadership development: Require feedback training (giving AND receiving) for anyone managing others.

  • Recruiting: Give candidates 1-2 pieces of thoughtful feedback during the hiring process. Observing their response reveals their ability to receive feedback when they're most motivated to impress, and prioritizes this crucial skill from the start.  

When feedback becomes part of how you hire, develop, and recognize people, it stops being a "nice-to-have" soft skill and becomes a natural part of how your organization operates.

A Gift You Can Actually Use

So here we are, back to feedback as a gift. But now you have something most people don't: an exchange/return policy.

Not every piece of feedback deserves a place in your growth toolkit. Some of it is like that beautiful but impractical gift—well-intentioned but ultimately not useful for your life. Other feedback is like receiving exactly what you needed, even if you didn't know you needed it.

Top performers don’t blindly internalize all feedback; they've mastered the art of discernment. They can appreciate the intention behind the gift while making thoughtful choices about what to do with it.

You can use it, store it for later, exchange it for a more relevant truth, or politely set it aside. You can thank the giver while also declining to let their perception define your reality. You can stay curious about their experience without accepting their conclusions as truth.

In the end, mastering feedback reception is how you earn the right to give it. When people see you handle difficult input with curiosity and translate it into growth, they trust you to do the same for them. You become the leader everyone wants to work with.

Keep reading, keep leading,
Jess.

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